Well not even 6 months have passed from then and a lot of things have changed. We’ve almost given our ISC.
I can’t read my feelings now that I’ve done so. Well on one hand it should have been a feeling of relief that, lion’s share of the job @ hand has been done. But nowadays the system is such, we aren’t given a break. We give exams definitely because we eye the marks that they bring. With the exams over I’m apprehensive about the results, which I’m sure will not be upto the expectations. Well I guess I was younger when ICSE happened. After the exams it seemed I’ve written all things correctly but that was not the fact coz I ended up with a 92.8 which definitely didn’t satisfy my parents. Or rather I seem to feel so as it definitely didn’t appease my insatiable desires. God knows. This time it’s a little better I guess coz before hand I know that even if I get an 80, 85, 90 or even 95 mum n dad will not be happy with it. The papers were difficult but that’s no excuse. All those difficult sums that came….I did them all correctly but made a blunder in the correlation sum because I had less time. Physics my compulsory portion were all correct, where most ppl actually made mistakes. Part 2 was so so, no mistake but one of the diagrams carrying 2 marks was wrong I guess. Chemistry compulsory portion was all correct again. Physical one sum was wrong, inorganic and organic – I forgot two reactions ! Dunno how I cud dare to. That’s bout PCM, I dun think I’ll be able to include any of them in the best 4. Sheer shame on the part of a science student. “Forget it !” Everytime I say this to myself there are a 1000 questions springing up in my mind !!! U know wat, the strength and character of a person exposes itself not when everything is going right with him or her, but at such moments when nothing is going right with him or her ! Nothing’s going right with me truly.
My parents have spend a fortune on me and have probably done more than any parent could for my studies. And so I feel they have every right to expect. But ppl around other than my parents who start to compare as soon the results are out, get on my nerves ! They have great expectations even when they hardly know anything about the subject, the question paper, they hardly were anywhere around when I passed those sleepless nights, when every Sunday Morning I rushed to the Hazra centre, skipped lunch and came back home after sundown, but they definitely will have big mouths when the results come out to point out how some ppl got more than me. But I won’t take such words to the heart, I’ve decided.
When my mind gets a little break from the dreaded results, something else rushes in to take its place. It has absolutely no right to stay free and relax as if ! What else….the bigger and fiercer exams that are closer than they could possibly get. On that perspective, what I’ve already given seems kid’s play. Not only are they more difficult but they stand perfectly ahead in the priority list because no body will give me admission with ISC results ! The excitement of a cricket match heightens when it’s a DO-OR-DIE situation for INDIA isn’t it?......But when it is a do or die in life, its far from being exciting. Its raw pressure, stress and tension, from which u have no way out. This morning one of my father’s colleagues called, he’s my father’s greatest friend perhaps after NB’s dad ! He asked me how the exams were, when I said I’ve no expectation of a good result. He told me things which I have been dying to hear. He said giving the exams were more important not the results ! He said a break is necessary before full fledged work for the competitives begin, even if that’s just for 1 day.
Something else is going on in my mind too. Well I have not spent a day without my parents. I still can’t imagine how m going to spend months without them, settle down in a place totally new n strange. Strange feeling, some moments I feel I badly want to go, sometimes I tell myself living away from my parents is practically impossible. The decision is just a matter of time. That is it….I’ve found one solution to all my thoughts….TIME ! TIME will open all the knots, TIME will convert all uncertainties into perfect reality and all that I need to do is have the power of endurance to bear with what TIME brings for me !
Well this letter is nothing but a details of what’s going on in my mind now. A pensive in MICROSOFT WORD u can say. Dumbledore showed harry his pensive, I’m sending my pensive online to u. I was getting distracted, couldn’t study eve……so decided to write ya. Its strange isn’t it how we always have to put up a constant facade infront of every body? The face cannot always show what the heart conceals. We have jumped into this hell race to reach out our destinations, and we need to be strong & enduring to reach it. We have to hide our inner softer selves because we in the 21st century cannot give vent to emotions, we have to forget happiness and think SUCCESS, we have to perform or perish. All that we do have one single purpose SUCCESS….we’ll have to bear with the stress that comes with it. If we are thinking that we’ll be happier and more relaxed ppl when all the results will be out and we’ll get admission into colleges then we are great fools…..because the battle of life has only begun ! But one thing for sure, whatever happens we’ll c it till the end. We may reach heights, which are higher than the highest, we may have to cross stretches of barren land but we’ll not STOP……!!!
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But we’ve got promises to keep,
Miles 2 go before we sleep. Isn’t it?
